"just don't want coffee"

Well the coffee fad was short lived. I had like 1 1/2 cups of straight black yesterday at around like 3:30. I didn't sleep a wink last night and because, even after brushing my teeth, I could still taste a hint of the black stuff this morning, I'm blaming the coffee. I think my next song is going to be called "no-sleep night" because I get up every morning with the phrase running through my brain.

I might post some little blurbs in reference to Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning" on here because I've found this tends to be the space where I write the best. I have to write a paper regarding this book and thought that if I post some things here, it may transfer easily to my paper.

"I became disgusted with the state of affairs which compelled me, daily and hourly, to think of only such trivial things. I forced my thoughts to turn to another subject. Suddenly I saw myself standing on the platform of a well-lit, warm and pleasant lecture room. In front of me sat an attentive audience on comfortable upholstered seats. I was giving a lecture on the psychology of the concentration camp! All that oppressed me at that moment became objective, seen and described from the remote viewpoint of science. By this situation, above the sufferings of the moment, and I observed them as if they were already of the past. Both I and my troubles became the object of an interesting psychoscientific study undertaken by myself. What does Spinoza say in his Ethics?--"Affectus, qui passio est, desinit esse passio simulatque eius claram et distinctam formamus ideam." Emotion, which is suffering, ceases to be suffering as soon as we form a clear and precise picture of it."

hmmm. I wonder if this is how I operate. In group therapy I became the one known as the "non-emotional" one. The one that doesn't "feel." I disagree with them (because I know myself better than they do), mostly because I DO feel, I just think I better know how to handle emotion than they. And you better believe I know what JOY is, I'm not faking it. Yes, I'm not the one that gets depressed...and yes, I typically cry more for other peoples hurts than my own. Not that I DON'T get down or cry - I certainly do. But I think this is what most of my sleepless nights are spent doing. The brain takes over and starts "talking" it out--not letting up until it creates the real picture of what's occurred or occurring. Interestingly, in like manner, my brain does the subjective teaching and preaching form as Viktor did.

What do you think Joel?

This class and book have stirred new interest in me for understanding the psychological, physiological, and neurological functions of the body and the emotions. For what is "heart-break?" Where do we "feel" when we lose a loved one? Why do we have a hard time breathing? Is it our heart? Is it our soul? Is it our "being?" What and where are these things. I know these are not new ponderings, but at this point I'm lacking the education in the field and at the very least find it good to be awakened to these ponderings.

I just passed over a lot of his comments on pain and suffering and the necessity of it. I didn't find it very clear, but I've read other's works - probably C.S. Lewis or the other big brilliant English authors. This would take some further study and review...so I'm going to attempt to avoid thinking too much about that subject for now, if I can help it.

And wow. I always knew people had issues. But as I progress through this Master's program I'm becoming even more aware of the people we've become. That thought alone almost makes me cry. Everyone's hurting. I become more aware of the issues that my friends at school have - not just broken hearts or "daddy-baggage," but even personality disorders. I become more aware of my own issues. Who am I to offer help? Guess we'll keep doing what we can.

currently listening: Natalie Grant - Held (yeah, who'da thunk I'd be impressed with her?)