why I take it seriously

A simple message can make a difference in someone’s life.

Sunday morning was frustrating. My team didn't bring their A-game and I had a hard time being patient and hiding my frustration. I never raised my voice, but during rehearsal I stopped playing and simply stated into the microphone "did anyone listen to the songs I sent this week?" My bad.

Anyways, sometimes people think that being a worship leader is easy. To an extent it can be. But I can't tell you how many times I've heard "you just get up and play your guitar, right?" This is an email from yesterday, and why I take my "job" seriously:

"My name is XXXX, I have a wonderful husband named XXXX and three beautiful boys, Elijah (9), Ethan (my heavenly angel baby), and Mason (3 months old). We (Elijah, Mason and I) attended church this morning for the first time in almost two years. I have been a christian since I was 8 yrs old. On June 23, 2006 I gave birth to our son Ethan. There were no cries to announce his entry into this world, only our tears. Ethan was born still. Since Ethan's passing I have found that to not be so close to the Lord was best for me. That way I couldn't be as mad at Him as I was that dreaded day two years ago. But I've missed Him in my home, in my heart and in my soul!!

The Friday after Ethan passed away my older son Elijah came to know Christ at vacation bible school. In the midst of my deepest sadness my oldest son was reaching out to the Lord. The Lord was blessing me too with allowing me to see Elijah come to know Christ. To witness your Child raising their hand when asked, to you want to know Christ...but yet I was still angry and sad and couldn't fully appreciate what the Lord was giving me in that moment.

In the past two years we have prayed at dinner, and when I tuck my son's into bed. Elijah has seen my sorrow and my pain. I haven't hidden from my heartache. I have maintained the hope that some day I could find myself at the Lord's feet again the way I always have. I couldn't justify being in the presence of those who worship Him, knowing full well the beauty and peace He gives us when we humble ourselves at his feet. So I have avoided the fellowship of those who love the Lord for this reason alone.

Two years have passed and as time has passed I have search for answers as to why my son couldn't stay here on earth with me - and I couldn't find them - until today - I found God's Grace through loss and what we do with our own personal loss for God's Kingdom. Just yesterday my neighbor and I were talking about going to church. She said, I can't go to our church anymore - it's just to far away and with gas prices. So I bravely said, I've been wanting to go to Crossroads. (I didn't mention to her that XXXXX had given me your name and number nearly two years ago and it took all this time). I just wouldn't have wanted to pretend to love the Lord when deep down inside I was so broken I couldn't humbly see Him and Love Him like I have always loved Him. So I've avoided Church and fellowship. Does that make sense???

So we decided to attend today. I have CC'd her in this e-mail so she knows how blessed I am to know her and call her friend!! I've also CC'd XXXXX so she knows I didn't forget to go...I just needed some time to reintroduce myself to MY GOD!

When worship began the song "Blessed be the name of the Lord" began...(don't know if that is the title) but I'm sure you know what song I'm referencing. There is a part of that song that since Ethan's passing sticks like a knife in my heart. "You give and take away, you give and take away" but I will chose to say...blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be His name! To speak those words are ever so painful for me, to allow the Lord to take away the greatest LOVE of my life, my CHILD. To say Blessed be your Name JESUS!! Might seem easy for some but for me to sing that song and give Him the Glory and the Praise in the taking away of my CHILD! There isn't anything more painful for me than that!

It may seem silly to ask for small miracles. Today, I needed to find my love for the Lord by myself again, that today it wasn't about worrying about my husbands salvation or my children's ~ but ME and only ME. I asked the Lord, if I'm to know you and love you the way I have always loved you, Lord please let that song be a part of my worship to you today! :) Wouldn't you know - I realize this probably isn't a surprise to you that the worship team played that song!

I have realized that although Ethan's time here on earth was only spent in my womb the Lord blessed me with the gift of Mother Hood. The gift of holding my son for only a few short hours. The gift of teaching my other son Elijah that death is not scary - that there is a place where we are all called to be.

2 Corinthians 1:4 reads:

"...that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."

I hope the Lord will allow me to worship Him always even in my deepest of sorrows. He's shown me that I will grieve the loss of my son all the days of my life on earth and that is OK. I hope He'll use me to help comfort those who might suffer the same loss as I have.

Thank you for being a part of God's plan, for the ministry you are providing.

I am so thankful the Lord met me in His place today! My family and I look forward to being a part of Crossroads as we begin anew in our walk with Christ!"